Why Don't We Always

I embraced the fact that I would get a big belly early on. I'm even okay w the pending stretch marks, I say that now. But OMG was I not prepared for the glory what would maternity pants. Every pair of maternity jeans I own is second hand, which I don't mind, and I have one pair of black high panel slacks and oh.my.gawd. you can imagine my love for these. I embraced maternity pants around 8 weeks and to be honest... I don't know if I ever want to go back. No love handles! No muffin top! Just pure.... Amazing. Bye bye sexy jeans.... Hello comfy, socially positive, yoga pant like amazingness!

AND it gets better! I didn't need to make this purchase but I did...maternity underwear. Oh yes. Maternity. Underwear. These will never be put away. Ever. 

Who would have thought being pregnant could actually be comfortable in ways? 

First Mom2Mom Sale

Yesterday I went to my first mom2mom sale with my mom2mom veteran friend. Although this sale was a smaller event I was so excited and overwhelmed looking at and thru all of the baby items. I found some gender neutral items like onesies and sleep sacks for the baby and cute cargos and pants with a panda butt on them. My greatest score was 6 BumGenius Pocket Diapers for $10. Yep. $10 and brand spanking new! Now, although this is not the type of cloth diaper I want long term it is nice to have on hand to try! We plan to cloth diaper and use pre-folds and Thirsties or Flip covers that we can wipe out if needed and use for 3 diaper changes before washing- makes life a bit simpler, at least this is my assumption. I have since washed every item that I purchased, minus the diapers at this time and although the clothing I purchased is oh.so.adorable., I find myself walking around the house holding a soft pocket diaper in my hands... actually cradling it as if I was carrying baby against me. Maternal instincts kicking in already I guess ;o) but even just this is so comforting right now. Oh this baby is so loved already.

No-ga

 I love yoga... Not the now hip, hot yoga but the meditative, deliberate, spiritual practice of yoga. Life has side stepped into my practice on and off for the last few years but my studying of Eastern religion and philosophies, devotionals (when I can remember) as well as some poses have remained with me. I attended yoga w a friend last week and I was delighted to plant my feet to my mat. What I did not anticipate is how difficult it would be being pregnant. 

Now, again, I have not been participating in my yoga practices regularly but one would think a few poses would be relaxing. I found I was breathing hard every change I made.  Childs pose was the worst! I found that I needed to separate my knees to fit my now ever growing belly between so I could have room. A few times I could hear my negative self talk ... What we women are so great.... But quickly was able to reframe. Yoga is a practice. An ever expanding and challenging practice. And I was doing just that... Practice. Granted it's not where I've been and certainly isn't where I am going but it's my practice, not comparable to others. 

What I will say is although it is a practice... I totally rocked my pregnant shavasana ;)

Waiting To Be Surprised!

Since finding out we were pregnant we have had questions from everyone about preferences for a boy or a girl. We want one of each but of course no matter what anyone says we always secretly hope for a boy or a girl first. The next question that comes up has been, "Are you going to find out what it is?" and our response is "Nope, we want it to be a surprise." You'd be amazed by the amount of irritation that comes with not finding out the gender of your own child from others... and to some degree I do get it. When we began talking about what kind of parents we wanted to be I shared with my husband that I want to minimize gender stereotyping with my children. Media and society does this enough that I don't want to contribute to it. I'm not a fan of pink or blue as the colors that define my child, camo or lace, dolls or trucks... I want to allow my children to experience everything and choose what they like. We agreed that we would do gender neutral things together for our baby because it makes sense for us, my husband is financialy conscious and we are both pretty eco-friendly, we'd like the earlier clothing (especially), bedding, and so forth to be able to be passed down (so long at it isn't gross) and gender neutral stuff offers just that. I have recieved some outfits so far that have been more stereotypical "boy" but they actually are so cute for either (outdoor gear; jacket and cargo "hiking" pants. We are outdoorsy so it's great either way!). Many responses we have recieved have been "Well I want to buy them things" or "I don't know what to get" and my thoughts have been revolving around the registry... seems pretty easy to find neutral stuff to me and put it on there (of course when we are ready to). Outfits are so cute but in the beginning those are things we won't need as much and even after the baby is born there are years and years ahead of buying outfits. While opening gifts that have gorgeous clothing for a baby boy or a baby girl at a baby shower is incredibly exciting it is not a need. I'm much more of a sap anyways, a homemade quilt, blanket, hats and mittens will make me cry and mean so much more :oP Plus, our nursery will be tan, cream, brown and green (my favorite color) with tourqoise accents; great for boy or girl! There is something even more exciting about going into labor with our first child not knowing if our baby is a boy or a girl, in addition to the anticipation of seeing their face for the first time. There is a picture in my head I have of my husband telling me and us sharing those moments together without the world knowing that "we have a..." It does feel somewhat difficult to express this to others and I often do feel like finding out feels more for everyone else vs. for us... kind of like weddings, we put on a show and do it up big for our guests vs having intimate weddings with few people or eloping. Us waiting is about us, our family and the intimacy that comes from those moments where only we know. Where he and I can hold our little one and hold each other and that's all that matters. Until then, hubby and I enjoy guessing weekly what the baby is. For the longest time I felt like our baby was a boy... for the last few weeks I haven't felt so sure and am thinking a girl. We have months ahead until we meet our little one and lots of guesses to go.

Two Person Family.... Turning Into Three

The storm has passed and the feelings of irrational, hormonal and unrelenting anger and anxiety have since passed. Oh thank goodness! *Happy Dance* When we found out we were pregnant I would joke to my hubby about pregnancy symptoms... fatigue, morning sickness, waves of heat and awesome thoughts of keeping our house chilly this winter, gas... you know... all the good stuff. What I also prepared him for was unexplained and random crying spells. I've never been pregnant before so I am only going off of what I have researched... and it's funny how sometimes things will just pop up. My recent cry spell came to me this morning. The people who know me best know that both my husband and I are very emotional, feeling people. We get choked up about puppy commercials (omg that new Budwieser one made me lose it bad!), sappy movies, long weekends away from each other, etc. Today was nothing new or ordinary. I was driving to work at the hospital and as I was waiting to make my left onto hospital property I was overwhelmed by the thought that when we go into labor that will be our last drive together as a two parent family *getting choked up again at the thought*. I had a very vivid picture in my head of us calmly driving to the hospital, hand in hand, parking the car and before going in saying, "Well babe, this is it!" Our next drive after that, and every other drive beyond will no longer be just us as a two person family, it'll be us as a part of a bigger family that we have made together. It's funny to me how much this thought grabbed my attention. I would think that I would mourn the loss of "just us" in a family but I feel this overwhelming need to become a mother and I picture how this will change us so much. I know that this change is not only going to be hard (like all transitions are) but it is going to be the most amazing experience and I am really grateful to have this man to share it with. Time feels like it is flying right now and I can't wait to meet our little peanut

"Feelers"

The lines on a pregnancy test can elicit a few different feelings. For us it was excitement as we were trying to get pregnant. After a couple days excitement turned into total fear. We found out early, so early I hadn't had the first typical sign of pregnancy; the missed period. I waited and waited despite that positive test.... And the numerous afterwards. When the time came and past my relief of the non-existent period turned into fear of a chemical pregnancy... Then into fear of miscarriage. After nearly two weeks I decided to embrace the days I have while being pregnant and to just be happy. If something was to "go wrong" at least I had enjoyed what I did have.

For 5 weeks after embracing my happiness and excitement, yet again, I got a whole new awesome set of symptoms. For weeks I had been receiving emails warning about moodiness and mood swings. I laughed because the reality was that I have felt good over all.  I have had only three bouts of nausea, no vomiting, some cramping, round ligament pain and fatigue. In reality, I have nothing to complain about, I've been perfectly healthy. Week 10 hit and out came the bitch. 

It started while picking up my prenatals and an antibiotic. 4 hours and three trips later after being told my prescriptions were ready... they still weren't. My phone was dead, I was late picking up my dogs from the groomer and I had no way of getting ahold of my husband to pick up the dogs before the groomers closed... In 5 mins. I opted, in my kindest possible way at that point, to come back the following day. I'm pretty sure despite my nice voice and murderous rage in my face after waiting 20 unnessesary mins in line (of course pissing off everyone behind me) the poor girl behind the glass could tell I was hanging my a thread.

And so the snow ball began to roll down the hill...

Working in mental health I try my best to be aware of myself and my reactions. I also know, as a woman, that estrogen makes me go bat shit crazy. My reality of this is that not only are my feelings of anger more than somewhat irrational (a 4 out of 10 makes me see red) the fact that I can't control it has begun to create anxiety within me, thus fueling the fire of a thousand hells. It's even worse because I think I'm a pretty patient person overall... Unless you feed me a bottle of wine and I'm sitting w close girlfriends- of course we vent. 

To give an example of the "cycle": Remember in Shrek when he says "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat"? Yeah. "I'm anxious because I'm angry and I'm angry because anxious." The cycle is stupid and most of the time I am able to identify that I'm feeling a bit "butt hurt" and can move on. Nope. Now i ruminate on the irrational crap and I can't refocus quickly or bounce back. The prescription piece would upset anyone... But that's a specific, larger example. My dog coughing, my husband leaving a plate in the sink or my younger sister venting about her day ... Those are small, irrational examples for me to see red over. 

 I hear it gets better in the next couple weeks but in the meantime I can say that this is way worse than the fatigue. Quickly my family is learning, unfortunately, to not poke, touch or breath on or near the bear and I'm doing everything I can to keep it calm and rational.  

Intro

Thanks for stopping in and reading, friends. My purpose of blogging is to keep my pregnancy things separate from other social media for the sanity and sensitivity of others. Let's face it, no one really likes a million baby updates no matter how cute they can be, and even more so when wanting, no scratch that NEEDING a baby of your own. And also because I'd like some place to share my experiences; good, bad, and indifferent as I go on this journey, as I am sure many moms-to-be have and will have experiences of. 

Back story:

I was 13 when I met this really great guy. And even more gag worthy was that he was my pen pal for over 3 years before we ever met. My husband (29) and I (27) have been married now for nearly 5 years. Having a baby was always in our plan even way before we said "I do." 11 years ago I was diagnosed w an early stage of cancer and quickly our dating life went from enjoying each other to serious, like if you just want fun then leave kind of serious. Scary for two teenagers who were head over heels in "love" (I "" because we had no idea what that truly meant). In that time I was told I would have a low likelihood of being able to have a child if I waited, having a child without assistance would be unlikely (if even possible) and was encouraged to consider a hysterectomy before 25. Needless to say we began making big plans...

We grew up fast, married young, bought a house, got responsible and very respectable jobs in our fields, I finished college early (Bachelors and Masters in 4 years kind of early) and when the time came to think about trying... I wanted to wait longer. I didn't want to "want" a baby, I wanted to be at a point where I "NEEDED" a baby. Not like wanting like an accessory to my marriage; "I want Kate Spade", "I want new counter tops", "having a baby is the next thing to do in life" or "it might be a good idea to start...." NO. I wanted "I can't breath, eat, sleep, FUNCTION without a baby." We were young. We had lived our lives around the timeline put in our heads by doctors of being able to have a baby instead of enjoying being together and taking adventures. We ended up doing just that instead. We took the risk, what was an incredibly scary one at that time, and enjoyed years of backpacking, nice dinners, nights out, concerts and building our relationship and becoming better friends, partners and teammates. Knowing full well we may be in for the long haul when it came to having a baby. 

Years later I started working at a local hospital and it hit me like a semi. I was admiring this cute girls figure, you know, in that "I hate you for being so damn cute but I'll stare awkwardly in your direction because you are so damn cute" admiring and she turned. BAM! It was over. I cried in my office everytime I saw her. Blubbering, ugly cry, snot and all.  I finally said something to to my husband weeks later who was relieved to hear that the "important thing" I needed to talk about was something good and additionally relieved that we "get to move on now."  9 months later we started trying very optimistically but also realistically prepared for the years, money and possibility that we may never have our own biological children.

We were beyond happy and surprised when we found out we were pregnant. Everything I had been told for years had been washed away in those moments and a wave of 11 years of long awaited relief came. I wasn't as "broken" as my doctors had made it seem and we could move forward without fear of the future for the first time in... Forever. 

The next journey began July 27th, 2014 at 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant... And 7 pregnancy tests later. 

Picture taken @ 4 weeks pregnant